My Heart is Safe Only With You*

My life is about to change drastically.

And I have so much to say yet I’m rendered speechless so often these days. (I know that’s hard to believe but it happens) I’m in awe of my life. This life I get to live. The experiences I get to have. The people I get to love and who love me back so well. And the God who loves me so much I can’t comprehend it.

I’m in the land of the unknown. Big changes are coming and while I’m engulfed in the rush of emotions in letting go and taking in the new things, I also have no idea what my life will look like in a month. And God is doing this new thing with my heart through this. It’s not so new that He hasn’t done it before, it’s just new in that He’s going deeper. And it’s something, from what I can tell from talking to people older and wiser than me, that He does over and over again. And it feels amazing. And hard.

You see in this transition into the unknown there are things I want to happen in a certain way. Things I want to control and put into place. And, that’s not going to happen. Actually the best way for things to happen is for me to let go and not control anything. And the thing is, I know (from experience) that it’s way better this way. But it’s not always easy.

This time I don’t have to work so hard to let go. God is doing the heavy lifting. So often I’ve been told to just let go and let God. But sometimes it seems so impossible. I couldn’t figure out how to do it. I don’t know what makes this different, but it is.

God is doing the hard work, I just have to look at Him. All I did was ask. I asked God to tell my heart the things my head knew but I was struggling to live out. And He did. He did something amazing. It feels safe. It feels free. It hurts. And it’s a continual process. Because I have my moments where I want to figure it out. I want to plan, I want to know. And again I have to let go.

The process is overwhelming and so sweet.

Today I say goodbye to my job. My first official goodbye in this process. It’s bittersweet. I have enjoyed so many moments at this place. Connecting with co-workers and the community. Serving up coffee, mostly with a smile, and getting to know all those around me. It’s been challenging and I’ve grown a lot through the process.

I will miss every person I worked with. Every customer who comes in. Every person who I pass on my way to and from work. I will miss the community.

Today I will soak in every sweet moment while wholeheartedly looking forward to what’s in store in this new adventure I’m on.

*thank you Lydia Lowe Ferreira for this beautiful line from your beautiful song – it’s brought my heart to new places — God has given you an amazing gift!!! 🙂

Wiper Wisdom

As I was driving in the snow storm today I was struggling with the right speed for my windshield wipers. Silly, maybe, but it was all too fast and kept making the screeching noise.  And it seemed wasteful.  I hate waste.  And I felt like the wildsheild wipers were wasting energy (more on that another time).  So I changed to the intermittent one.  And it went and then stuff started piling up on the windshield and I was like, “ok, come on windshield wipers, do your thing!”  And then I got worried, “they’re not going to show up,” I said to myself, “it’s not going to happen, I’ll have to do it myself.” And then bam!  Right before I could, the windshield wipers swished across the windshield.

And then I thought.  How often do we do this with God?  How often do we say, “ok, God, I’m totally doing this with you, let’s go do this, whatever you say.”  And then when it gets uncomfortable, or things start to pile up, we bail.  We just jump right off the God train and start trying to figure it all out on our own.  Wow, I can look back in my life and see this.  

Now I want to know, what am I missing out on by taking it back at the last moment?  I don’t want to miss out!  I don’t want to miss you Jesus.

Thankfully I am surrounded by people with awesome faith who help push me to stay in it and help me from jumping off the God truing. And when I do stay aboard, God always shows up, just before I fall off the road.