Tag Archives: pain

A Quick Reflection on Fixing, as Yet Another Year Passes

Every year I tend to blog on this day. To share what I’m feeling and to make a pitch to love on my parents, sister-in-law and nephew a little bit extra on this day.

It’s been 8-years since my little brother, Devin, passed away suddenly in his sleep.  And this year is no different, and I don’t feel like I have anything to add.

I still miss Devin. I miss his face and his smile and his voice. I miss knowing he was always there for me. I miss his young wisdom and his big love.

And I still want my parents, sister-in-law, and nephew to feel an overwhelming amount of love and grace and peace today. I still want to take away their pain, to help somehow to carry their burden, to lessen the hurt.

But I can’t fix it. Really in life I can’t fix much. I know this. We all do I think. We all know we can’t fix the other person or their pain but so often we want to and in that want sometimes we hurt them more. So this year, I want to say sorry for the hurt I’ve caused wanting to fix it.

Pain is uncomfortable and hard to watch others experience. My head has known this for a long time, but my heart actions can’t always stay in that head space. You could say I’m a bit of a feeler. And by a bit I mean I pretty much feel everything. And I can deal with my own feelings, but I don’t want my love ones to have to sort through theirs. I’m not sure why either, because I really like feeling and so maybe they are ok feeling theirs. But it’s taking me a while to get there.

And so this journey of figuring out how to love my family in their pain and not try to fix it has been challenging.

My friend the other day said that he felt like the pain he was facing in his life was a gift. And while that sounds so crazy, I totally get it. Because in that pain I have found Jesus in such a deep and tangible way. I have received His love and grace in ways I wouldn’t have known I needed with out pain. And I can see how pain, done well, is a gift.

So now I want to let go and pray that my loved ones receive their pain today as a gift. A gift that their Maker is so close and loves them so much that He won’t leave them alone for a moment in that pain. That in that pain He is drawing them in. Holding them tight. And creating something beautiful out of that pain. Because pain done well, can help others carry their burdens. I don’t want to take away from the hurt and sadness. It is real, it is unfair and I don’t think it is what God wants for us. But He does want good for us, and I think knowing that feeling and working through the pain leads to more good than we can even allow ourselves to comprehend.

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Song One, of Two

Two songs have been filling my mind the past few days.  Music is powerful in my life.  It often touches the deepest parts of me.  It can make or break my mood and my day sometimes.

I’ll share one tonight and one tomorrow.

The first seems to lend to where I was last Lent.  It’s a song about a break-up, it’s about not wanting to let-go but having to.

I love the beat and melody of this song…it’s one of those songs that let’s me think I can sing (even though I know I can’t even pretend to keep a tune).  And while it lends to where I was last year, it’s not quite the same story.  But in this song the writer makes it ok.  He makes it ok that it’s over but there’s pain in that.  He makes it ok that she was sad but he has to go.  He makes it ok that even he doesn’t want to have to go through with it.

There’s also this idea that it’s love’s fault.  The title of the song is “Love’s to Blame”.  And I thought that I’d never really thought about that situation in quite that way.  That sometimes in life love can actually be to blame for something.  I don’t think that love is bad, but our emotions around love can lead to poor actions.  That’s obvious right?

But what about when we’re wrapped up in the moment, all gushy and in love and even though we might have a sense that walking away might be good, we go with all those emotions and we stay and we dig in even more.  And then years later as this song seems to allude to we realize that this isn’t for life.  Have we wasted our time?  Have we learned and grown well?  Have we found something more?  Was love worth it?

One thing I know about the song is it gets me fired up.  It makes me thankful.  Thankful for how far I’ve come.  Thankful for what God did in me and through me during that time of intense pain.  And thankful I went through it.  Thankful I know can see that sometime’s love just ain’t enough.  And now I think I can see more clearly just what I do want in a relationship.

Take a listen for yourself.

 

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