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Finding New Wisdom, After Another Year Goes By

Each year it’s different. But each year it’s the same.

This year felt different when I had to tell my roommate what today is. And I cried. Last year I remember being at work and having to tell people. And I cried. Telling people is hard. On a normal day, telling people my brother died isn’t so hard. This day,  the anniversary of his passing, it’s hard.

Maybe it’s the trauma of the day it happened. Maybe it’s knowing my parents are hurting especially hard this day. Maybe it’s thinking about my sister in law and knowing it hurts her and I can’t fix that. Maybe it’s thinking about my nephew never getting to meet his Dad. And maybe it’s just because I miss him.

I miss his smile. I miss his hugs. I miss his words of wisdom. Yup, I said it, my little brother had some good words of wisdom. Mostly along the lines of protecting me from boys who broke my heart or not being afraid to live life to the fullest. Because that’s what he did. He lived.

Devin was a daredevil, a bit of a risk-taker. I’d like to think I get some of my risk-taking guts from his example. I often think of him when I’m making life decisions and think, WWDD? (What would Devin do?) Dev just went for things all out. He lived life “out-loud” with his whole heart.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been waking up with this idea to live my life “out-loud.” And for the most part I think I do. But I want more. I’m not quite sure what all of it means just yet, but I think Devin was a good example of living life “out-loud” and I want to keep learning from that.

He might be gone, but his passion for life lives on. I’m so thankful he was my little brother.

This is the first year in a while that I don’t live at home. It’s hard to not hug my Mom and Dad today and not be there to spend time with them. I know it’s hard for them.

And so as I ask every year, please pray for them. I know they hurt, I know their lives will never be the same, and I know they will always miss my brother in ways I can’t understand.

DevTizBabies

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Missing…Another Year Goes By

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Devin and me at my college graduation 2003.

It’s been six-years since my little brother passed away.  And I miss him.  I miss his smile, I miss his laugh and I miss his friendship.

A year-ago, when five-years had passed, I blogged about Devin too.  And even though a whole year has gone by, even though my life has changed, and things around me have changed, not a lot has changed when it comes to missing Dev.

It seems like it was just yesterday and then it seems like it was a million years ago.  And then it still doesn’t feel real at all.

My Mom posted a song recently on Facebook, “Who You’d Be Today,” by Kenny Chesney.  And that just broke my heart.  Who would Devin be today?  I can make a lot of guesses, but I don’t know.  I don’t know what roads he would have went down, who’s paths he would have crossed or what doors he would have opened.

I do know he would have been loved and he would have loved.  I do know that he would have lived life to the fullest (because that’s what he did) and I do know he would have done crazy adventurous things.

I also know that he would have had to feel the pain of Nami (our grandmother) passing.  He would have had to navigate the difficulties of life’s ups and downs and he would have had to endure all the trouble this life throws at us.

For missing those things, I say he’s the lucky one.  As an older sister I often thought Dev was “getting away” with something.  He was “getting away” with an extra cookie or an extra turn on the Nintendo.  And in his passing early, I sometimes think, he got away with something, he got away from some of the hurts of this life.

But for his missing out on all this life has to offer, I say it’s not fair.  Missing out on his son growing up, on God’s gifts of love and relationship with people and of all the opportunities and adventures he would have found himself on.

And for the missing his loved ones are doing now, I say it’s not fair.  The pain, the sadness and the missing feel like too much sometimes.

So Today, while remembering Dev, while reminiscing about his mischievous ways, his loving nature and his adventurous spirit, I will also remember to live life to the fullest and love like I’ve got nothing to lose.  Because that’s how he lived.  And I’m thankful I had him for the time I did.

And today, as I did last year, I ask you to pray for our parents.  Because I know Mom and Dad miss him so much.  I know they hurt and I know they are sad and I know I can’t fix it.  But I do know that God can ease the pain, bring a little bit of comfort and offer love in a very special way.

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