Tag Archives: hurt

A Quick Reflection on Fixing, as Yet Another Year Passes

Every year I tend to blog on this day. To share what I’m feeling and to make a pitch to love on my parents, sister-in-law and nephew a little bit extra on this day.

It’s been 8-years since my little brother, Devin, passed away suddenly in his sleep.  And this year is no different, and I don’t feel like I have anything to add.

I still miss Devin. I miss his face and his smile and his voice. I miss knowing he was always there for me. I miss his young wisdom and his big love.

And I still want my parents, sister-in-law, and nephew to feel an overwhelming amount of love and grace and peace today. I still want to take away their pain, to help somehow to carry their burden, to lessen the hurt.

But I can’t fix it. Really in life I can’t fix much. I know this. We all do I think. We all know we can’t fix the other person or their pain but so often we want to and in that want sometimes we hurt them more. So this year, I want to say sorry for the hurt I’ve caused wanting to fix it.

Pain is uncomfortable and hard to watch others experience. My head has known this for a long time, but my heart actions can’t always stay in that head space. You could say I’m a bit of a feeler. And by a bit I mean I pretty much feel everything. And I can deal with my own feelings, but I don’t want my love ones to have to sort through theirs. I’m not sure why either, because I really like feeling and so maybe they are ok feeling theirs. But it’s taking me a while to get there.

And so this journey of figuring out how to love my family in their pain and not try to fix it has been challenging.

My friend the other day said that he felt like the pain he was facing in his life was a gift. And while that sounds so crazy, I totally get it. Because in that pain I have found Jesus in such a deep and tangible way. I have received His love and grace in ways I wouldn’t have known I needed with out pain. And I can see how pain, done well, is a gift.

So now I want to let go and pray that my loved ones receive their pain today as a gift. A gift that their Maker is so close and loves them so much that He won’t leave them alone for a moment in that pain. That in that pain He is drawing them in. Holding them tight. And creating something beautiful out of that pain. Because pain done well, can help others carry their burdens. I don’t want to take away from the hurt and sadness. It is real, it is unfair and I don’t think it is what God wants for us. But He does want good for us, and I think knowing that feeling and working through the pain leads to more good than we can even allow ourselves to comprehend.


Leave a comment

Filed under life, love

What about #bostonloving? or #bostonhealing? before we get to #bostonstrong?

I was in Boston on Monday. I have a story to tell too. A story of near misses, a story with fear, a story I wish I didn’t have to have.

I won’t go into all the details of stopping for lunch, retrieving sunglasses and missing trains. We were heading for the Starbucks you can see in the background of where the second bomb went off. From there we were going to the Fire Station on Boylston to cheer on my friend Kerri.

I will say that I’m thankful. I’m so thankful for God’s grace and timing. I’m thankful my friends and I are safe. I’m sad people were hurt and even killed.

And I have a lot of mixed emotions inside right now. I’m hurting for those who lost loved ones and those who are injured. I’m hurting for everyone involved.

I’m still processing all of this. Still figuring out how I feel about everything from the explosions to the casualties to the response and the media.

We all have something to deal with in this. My question is – is #bostonstrong enough to deal with the pain?

Can we really keep talking about this in love, loving one another where we are at and dare I say forgiving those who have hurt us? It’s my hope and my prayer that grace is bigger than this pain and that love is stronger than this evil.

My prayer is that Boston, the city I love, the city I call home, can be BostonStrong in love. Not in a pep-rally to come back and pretend this didn’t happen, not strong in fighting back, not strong in making hurtful jokes towards any one person or people-group. But strong in admitting where it hurts, strong in admitting when we are scared, strong in forgiving those around us, and strong in loving one another.

Let’s dig deep, Boston and love our way out of this.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Missing…Another Year Goes By


Devin and me at my college graduation 2003.

It’s been six-years since my little brother passed away.  And I miss him.  I miss his smile, I miss his laugh and I miss his friendship.

A year-ago, when five-years had passed, I blogged about Devin too.  And even though a whole year has gone by, even though my life has changed, and things around me have changed, not a lot has changed when it comes to missing Dev.

It seems like it was just yesterday and then it seems like it was a million years ago.  And then it still doesn’t feel real at all.

My Mom posted a song recently on Facebook, “Who You’d Be Today,” by Kenny Chesney.  And that just broke my heart.  Who would Devin be today?  I can make a lot of guesses, but I don’t know.  I don’t know what roads he would have went down, who’s paths he would have crossed or what doors he would have opened.

I do know he would have been loved and he would have loved.  I do know that he would have lived life to the fullest (because that’s what he did) and I do know he would have done crazy adventurous things.

I also know that he would have had to feel the pain of Nami (our grandmother) passing.  He would have had to navigate the difficulties of life’s ups and downs and he would have had to endure all the trouble this life throws at us.

For missing those things, I say he’s the lucky one.  As an older sister I often thought Dev was “getting away” with something.  He was “getting away” with an extra cookie or an extra turn on the Nintendo.  And in his passing early, I sometimes think, he got away with something, he got away from some of the hurts of this life.

But for his missing out on all this life has to offer, I say it’s not fair.  Missing out on his son growing up, on God’s gifts of love and relationship with people and of all the opportunities and adventures he would have found himself on.

And for the missing his loved ones are doing now, I say it’s not fair.  The pain, the sadness and the missing feel like too much sometimes.

So Today, while remembering Dev, while reminiscing about his mischievous ways, his loving nature and his adventurous spirit, I will also remember to live life to the fullest and love like I’ve got nothing to lose.  Because that’s how he lived.  And I’m thankful I had him for the time I did.

And today, as I did last year, I ask you to pray for our parents.  Because I know Mom and Dad miss him so much.  I know they hurt and I know they are sad and I know I can’t fix it.  But I do know that God can ease the pain, bring a little bit of comfort and offer love in a very special way.


Filed under Uncategorized

Walking Away and Looking Back

Today I am thankful.  Today I am full of unexplainable joy.  Today I smile. 

But the following blog entry is from where I have been.  It was a few months back.  It’s what I’ve left behind and learned from a series of events.  I’m forever grateful for failure and disappointment. 

April 4, 2012

I’ve made some risky life decisions lately.  I like making risky decisions, I like taking risks, I like adventure, I like living by faith.  This time some decisions I got to make, others were made for me and they were all heartbreaking.  Heartbreaking in the best sense of the word.  I’ve been hurting.  Deep, intense, cry out to Jesus just to breathe; pain.  It’s good for me.  It’s hard.  It feels like it’s almost over.

I don’t like it when I don’t write for a while.  Sometimes it’s because I’m busy, sometimes it’s because I’m just a bit down.  Sometimes it means I don’t have a lot to share and I’m in the midst of pain so the words won’t come out.  That’s where I’ve been lately.

Things end, things change.  It happens to everyone.  We all have seasons.  Life is a rollercoaster.  Sometimes we’re on the top; sometimes we take a big leap to the bottom.  It’s good.  It’s where we grow.  It’s where our character is tested, broken down and made new.  It’s where we get on our knees and cry out to God for relief.  It’s where we find ourselves.

A few things have ended for me recently.  The relationship I was in, ended.  And in step with that I ended my employment with Straight Ahead Ministries.  There is a strong team working to open the coffee shop/community center that I know God will work through to bless the Main South area and every kid who walks through the door.  And I hope to head over there and volunteer at some point, but not yet.

The ending of the relationship I was in was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been faced with.  My heart’s desire is to find that special someone to team up with and live this life with.  And I’ve given that search to God.  Asking Him to bring my best friend into my life so I wouldn’t keep giving my heart away.  The relationship I was in seemed to happen so organically.  It felt like God was leading us together.  I look back and I see God’s hand working in each one of us and in the relationship and I see opportunities I could have walked away.

I have learned a lot from the relationship and from the ending of it.  I look back and think, maybe I should have walked away sooner, maybe I was holding on too tight, maybe I wanted it too badly.  And then I think, maybe he wasn’t ready, maybe God has something better, maybe my job was just to love him while I had the chance and then to let him go when he walked away.

I’m thankful for the insight I have into the situation.  God has blessed me with clarity so often in my life.  I know He will reveal just what I need to know about a situation as I need to know it.  I need to have confidence in those revelations and not look to others to confirm them.  Don’t get me wrong, wise counsel is important and I will continue to seek it, but one of my biggest lessons in all of this is to have confidence in me, in what I hear from God and in my decisions, without needing everyone else’s approval.

I will admit I’m scared.  I want to love again, I want to connect with someone, share life with them and let them into who I am.  But my heart has been broken.  It’s healing but it’s fragile.  Maybe that’s right where it needs to be.  More guarded than before.

Part of me feels like I’m back to the beginning.  Back to where I was before those “big dreams” fell into place.  I am and I’m not.  I am in the sense that I don’t have a job, a partner in life or big project I’m working on.  But I’m not too.  Because I have renewed hope, I’ve healed and worked on things through this suffering and I’ve found new strength in Jesus.  And I’ve been humbled.  I’ve laid it all down before Him and He’s shown me some of my “weeds”.  We’ve ripped them out.

I have direction from God to keep pursuing church planting, I have hope that He will bring my partner to me in His time and I have faith that the right job is right around the corner.

Life’s goal should never be to avoid suffering; it should never be to avoid pain.  It should be to embrace suffering, to embrace pain, to cry out to God and say thank you for this.  Thank you that in this pain I can cry out to you Jesus and you will rescue me.  And it’s that rescue; it’s that love from Him that is more than enough.  And in this pain, in this suffering I say thank you and pray that His glory is revealed.  I ask God to use this pain for His good and to not waste a single tear.  I know He won’t.  It’s His promise.


Update –  I am back with Straight Ahead Ministries, working in the café.  You should come by sometime…it’s a great place to be and I’m so thankful God let me go back!

Leave a comment

Filed under life, love