Tag Archives: decisions

Connecting to Holy Week

It hit me like a ton of bricks this year. Some times, some ways, some things just connect differently at different times. It’s what I love about faith. It’s alive and exciting. It touches my soul, connects to who I am and meets me right where I’m at.

Lately I’ve been thinking about making a pretty big life decision. A career move if you will and it’s met with all sorts of advice and thoughtful comments from people who I know love and care about me and have been close to me in certain seasons of my life. I value every word they say, and also know that I have to make my own decision.  And no matter which way I go, I will be met with good and sometimes challenging circumstances.

Last Sunday was Palm Sunday, the day Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, as predicted by prophets of old. And in that moment he was celebrated. He was held in high-esteem, he was praised and made known. He was celebrated for who he was, the son of God.

I wonder if this could have been on of those moments for Jesus when he could see heaven on earth. Those moments of peace when every thing collides to connect with your true self. That moment when you feel known, understood and have purpose. But at the same time, Jesus knew that some of the people with him, closest to him, would betray him. And the same people celebrating him would put him to death. The downturn of this comes quickly, forcefully and with out any compassion. 4-days later Jesus in betrayed, and then beaten and killed.

And still he lived in that moment. He experienced Palm Sunday (or travel tuesday, whatever they called it 2000 years ago). He let them celebrate God. He received it.

I think about my life. The changes that are to come. I think about my life transitions. The beginning often filled with celebration and excitement, but then the downturn comes. Life gets hard, the honeymoon period of relationships end, expectations are left unmet and dreams fade into reality.

But Jesus shows me how. How to live regardless of what’s to come.  Regardless of the unknown that lies ahead. How to celebrate again and again. How to love regardless of what the future holds. And no matter which path I take, it will have a beginning filled with celebration, and a middle filled with ups and downs and a Jesus to show me how to love and be loved through it all.

Over the next several days we will remember, reflect on and celebrate Jesus’ final journey here on earth as a man. It starts with a meal with friends, and then quickly turns to betrayal, torture and death. But it doesn’t end there – there is the resurrection. Because no matter how bad it gets, the end is just the beginning with Jesus. He offers more. He offers redemption. And a future that one day won’t be tarnished by pain and suffering.

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Waiting on Mr. Just Right for Me, Sent by God!

The last time I blogged about a boy I got a pretty tough comment.  And it fits just right for this blog. 

To quote the comment, reader Karen says,

“I hope it works for you, but honestly it sounds so far fetched. Best of luck to you. Almost living in another world…”

That was in response to my turning down of Mr. Breakfast man (It’s Raining Men, Aug 4) just a few months ago. 

What she’s also talking about besides my decision to not go on a date with that guy is my decision to give God my romantic life and trust that He will work it out to the best possible outcome imaginable.

Maybe it is another world I’m living in.  It does seem like such a foreign concept to give God such control in my life.  But I’m so thankful I did!  The journey is bringing me closer to God with every passing moment. 

Let’s talk a little bit about how we got here.  More than a year an a half ago I got dumped.  We’ve all been there, it’s not fun, but it happens.  And when it did, I decided again – that God was going to have to take control of this whole thing.  But this time I really meant it and I took steps to really surrender control.  I gave God every little detail of my romantic life.  God was going to have to deal with it.  I was done.  I wasn’t looking, I wasn’t going online, I wasn’t going to just date any guy who came along.  I would wait for God to bring someone into my life, if He chose to. (I guess I assumed I would just know when this happened). 

But it’s a desire of mine and I’ve consistently let God know that.  I tell God over and over, ask Him nicely and expectantly, where is my mate?  Can he come soon?  And I also told God that if He could use me best single, I would stay single.  I don’t want to, but I will.  Because I love God so much and I trust that He has the best for me.

Since I gave it to God, I haven’t been dwelling on this aspect of my life.  I have my moments, but it hasn’t been consuming – or even too heavy to handle.  It’s a desire I believe God will fulfill.  And it set me free.  Giving that over to God has given me the freedom to live my life.  It’s given me the freedom to follow Him and His path, I’m not always looking around, checking to see what I need to do to make it happen.  I’m free to be me and hang out with God.

I think God gives us big gifts when we make big decisions for Him.  My gift in this situation is a friend who made the same commitment.  We came to the decision on our own and then took the journey together.  We pray for each other a lot.  We have this connection that can only come from God.  I know when I’m having a tough day, when I think all hope is gone, when I just can’t see past my circumstances, I can ask her for prayer and God just breaks through – reminds me of His promises and revitalizes that hope that He’s taking care of things.

My life is constantly changing for the better.  God is breaking in with new hopes and desires, He’s fulfilling promises and dreams that I thought I had to let go of.  And as I grow closer to Him and His love I just want Him more.

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It’s Raining Men!

Well, at least one man fell from the sky, into my life.  It all started last week….

I hadn’t even brushed my teeth yet when I took my pup for a pee-break. It was early Wednesday morning, my day off, and I was getting ready to start plugging away, applying for jobs.  But Fenway had to go, so it was time for our morning walk.  Every morning I get up, read my Bible and then walk down to a nearby lake to pray.  It’s so pretty and I’m lucky that there’s access to it behind the restaurant next door.  I stand there by the water, and pray, out loud.  I love it.  It’s my favorite time of day. 

So there I was praying out loud, maybe even praying for you, and I turn around and a man is walking toward me.  A good-looking man.  I’ve seen him before.  At Cumby’s the day before.  I noticed him, he was cute!  So I’m standing at the edge of the lake, talking to myself and he walks right up to me and says, “I saw you walking down the street and I just had to come over and tell you that you are beautiful.”  Ok, ladies…melt, now.  It was so sweet.  And, did I mention, he was cute!  I was speechless (doesn’t happen often).  I didn’t know what to say, so in my good church girl fashion, I invited him to service on Sunday.  I didn’t give him my number, didn’t say much else.  All I knew is where I go to church and what time it starts.  So that’s what I told him. 

We chatted for a bit and then we both went about our days.  I didn’t really think about Mark much for the rest of the day, I eagerly applied for jobs and he slipped my mind.  Over the next few days I told the story to some of my single girl-friends offering them hope, that yes, God can drop a man into our lives at any time.  But is that what God is doing with Mark?  I pondered a bit, we talked about faith a little bit and he was up for coming to church, so I thought, we’ll see.  I prayed that God wouldn’t let me just sit in it and go back and forth wondering if this guy could be “the one,” or not. 

That Sunday things got rolling at church and I didn’t see him.  Then toward the end of service he showed up.  Wow, he came I thought.  While dealing with all sorts of odds and ends at church I had a few minutes to chat with him.  He left a meeting at work to drive and hour to stop by so I wouldn’t be disappointed.  Nice.  He asked me again if I would be walking my dog at the same time and I said yes.  He said, ok, he’ll see me then.  

Life went on and I updated my single-ladies with the story, the fairytale.  Then Monday morning came and I walked Fenway down to the lake.  He was already there, waiting with a red rose and breakfast.  How romantic.  We sat by the lake, ate and chatted.  The conversation was good and he was very respectful.  He asked when I would again walk Fenway at the same time and two days later he showed up with breakfast again.  It was nice. 

One of my biggest dreams in life is to find a partner to share it with. I want to get married.  But I’m not actively looking for someone.  I’m believing and trusting that God will bring the right guy at the right time.  Just like that, poof, he’ll show up.  So Mark showing up out of nowhere seemed like an answer to prayer.

But I had to end it.  God answered my original prayer and I just knew I couldn’t go forward with this.  He kept asking when he could take me on a proper date and I couldn’t agree to it.  I told him I wasn’t interested in dating and if he wanted to be friends, that would be nice, but I just don’t want to date now.  There were a few red flags, for me, that in the past I would have over-looked.  But not this time, this time, I had to chose God and know that even if I let this cute-cat go, God would deliver again.  He will.

With so much unraveled in my life right now, it sure would have been nice to be wooed by a sweet, cute guy for a while.  But I just knew he wasn’t on the same path when it came to faith.  And all I could think about was the healing road ahead if I did date him, even for just a few months.  I’m not interested in dating, like I told him.  For a moment I thought, oh, that’s kind of a lie, I want to date, but, it’s not, I don’t want to date, I want to meet my husband, share our faith, get to know each other in community and then see where God takes it.  It may end up being dating, but in a different sort of way. 

So was he from God?  Maybe.  He did feed me, twice.  And I’m broke right now so free food is huge!  Was he the man for me?  Well to use my least favorite cliché, only time will tell.  If he is, God will bring him back.  I trust Him.

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Preparing For Change, While Waiting to Be Led

This idea filters through my mind as I contemplate where God is leading me in these next steps in life.  I’m asking, seeking, knocking and most importantly, listening.  As I listen and respond I want to eagerly move forward in one direction or another.  But I am stopped.

I am at a point where something has to change.  It’s “do” or “die” job time, among other things.  And so I contemplate these next steps.  Looking and waiting for God to lead, sorting through desires and responsibilities. 

I feel free in some ways.  I don’t have a family of my own yet and I’m not tied to any one spot by anything binding (like a mortgage or a contract).  I like that at this point in my life.  But it’s not about me.  It’s about God and how He can best use me. 

Life isn’t always weighed down with this pulling tension of which way to go.  But living with God, is living in tension.  Sometimes it feels like we’re searching for balance.  But can we ever be truly balanced, living in this world and living with God?  Okay, I could go off on a whole new subject here, so for now, I’m faced with change, a big decision and this tends to lead me to a place of unrest.  Day to day walking with God has been amazing, each day getting better and better….despite what’s happening in my life, God is with me and I’m loving the life I’ve been given.  The tension in this big decision has me thinking and wondering which way to go.  If I even have a decision to make….mostly I think I’m just waiting for God to make the decision.

But the desire for something more rages inside of me.  When I look around me, I see that change could be an improvement.  Some days I feel like I have this soccer mom lifestyle but no kids to cart-around.  I feel like I there is more I could give on a daily basis. Sure, I’m very busy and I’m learning and growing but I want to step out again.  Step out into the wide open and soar.  Ok – starting to get a little cheesy but I’m annoyed with parts of my life.  And since it’s time for a change (that whole job thing) I look for big jumps, leaps of faith and daring adventures.  Is that too big to look at now?  Do I need to dial back and find that filling the immediate needs, like a job, will settle the rage?

Don’t get me wrong, many aspects of my life are amazing right now.  I love my job at church, love my community and love that I get to spend time with my nephew as he grows up.  I love the way I’ve been growing and learning to live this life with God.  This has all been necessary but I feel a stirring for change.  Is this change that job that fits right in with what I’m doing, that relationship with the man of my dreams that I know is around the corner or something new that I can’t yet put my finger on just yet?

A new road will present itself.  I will wait and listen for God to lead me down the best road for me.  My question now — will it meet up with the road I’m on, or take a sharp turn?  

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Just a Quick Update

Unemployment did come through.  So I guess that’s good.  It means I have money again.  Possibly the least important thing to me, but nonetheless, it’s good to pay bills. 

I really believe many changes in my life happened when I was off unemployment that were awesome and would not have happened if I kept getting unemployment at that time. 

If I didn’t go off unemployment, I would still be stuck in an apartment I didn’t like in an area I didn’t like.  I would have probably missed out on a lot of social things because I lived so far away. 

So now, as my job hunt continues I am thankful to be living with my Dad (it’s actually pretty fun) but also hoping to find an apartment I can afford soon! 

Now I wonder….do I get an apartment with the money from unemployment as my income or do I wait for a job to come through to move out? (Dad keeps his house awfully chilly in the winter!)

For now, I’ll just keep asking….listening…..waiting….and hoping…..

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Updates, Unemployment and a Confession

Ok…so many of you are asking….well, what happened “tomorrow?”  And I guess the short answer is nothing.  

The long answer is that I tried to get back on unemployment.  But it’s not working as easily as I was told it would.  It was a leap of faith for me to go off my unemployment.  But I believe it was the right thing to do and caused some amazing things to happen in my life.  Mostly, I grew so much closer to God and that’s been awesome!!!  It also forced me to move out of an apartment I didn’t like in an area I didn’t like.  And it forced me to move in with my Dad which has actually been fun.

But back to the unemployment, I thought (after a lot of prayer) that is might be ok to go back on it now that I had made so many moves and couldn’t find a job.  And I prayed that if it was the right thing for me to do….it would be easy…if not…it would be hard….it’s hard.

So now it’s about a week later, I don’t have any money coming in from unemployment and I have an interview this afternoon for a waitressing job.  It’s not exactly what I want but I’m willing if God can use me there.  I’ll admit….it’s not easy in this world to go from being a TV News Reporter to a waitress but I will if that’s where God can use me right now I’m game.  And maybe it’s what I need for a bit, even though it’s not exactly what I want.  So my prayer today is that I get the job if that’s God’s will and it gives me the financial ability to get my own place….in time.

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Today’s the day!

Well, that might sound a little more promising than it actually is.  Today’s simply the day I will write my first blog on wordpress.  Not as exciting as, for example, today’s the day I start a new job, or move, or get married.  I mention those things to give you a little insight to me.  Those are the things I want, my desires.

With that said, I’ve been thinking about what to write about for my first blog.  Let’s start with a little about my journey.

I need a job and I need a place to live.  They are not only my desires but also my necessities.  Society’s standards say that I need the job first.  The economy says this is hard.  And God says wait a minute, it will come.  So I sit, I wait and I search…. 

It’s all too uncommon to, we’ll say, disrupt, society’s standards and try things with God.  Asking Him before making a move, waiting to hear an answer and then making a move.  This path is 1) not easy but 2) completely exhilarating, comforting and peaceful!

That’s not to say I’m just sitting around thinking God is going to drop something in my lap while I watch TV all day or escape to the beach.  I need to put in some effort on my part.  I am actively searching for a job, talking with people, asking about opportunities and praying that God opens the right doors and gives me the wisdom to know the wrong ones.

You should probably know a bit about how I got here.  I had a career in TV News but was laid off over a year ago.  While searching for another job I decided I was done with TV and during the last year and few months I have been searching within me and with God what next steps would be best for me and I feel like He is orchestrating everything that’s happening now.  I stopped taking my unemployment checks and packed up my stuff to move almost two months ago.   Not because I thought it would be easy, but because I believe God is leading me to the best He has for me here.

With that, I may be in a somewhat uncomfortable position right now…technically I’m homeless, I don’t have a job, I just turned 30, I’m single and my poor dog is so confused about our living situation that she doesn’t want to leave my side.  And while I want all those things to change and I’m trusting God for that (which is hard sometimes), I also know I’m right on track…it doesn’t look like a white picket fenced life but God says, “don’t worry I got you,” 

It’s not always easy but it’s happy.

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