Monthly Archives: October 2011

Waiting on Mr. Just Right for Me, Sent by God!

The last time I blogged about a boy I got a pretty tough comment.  And it fits just right for this blog. 

To quote the comment, reader Karen says,

“I hope it works for you, but honestly it sounds so far fetched. Best of luck to you. Almost living in another world…”

That was in response to my turning down of Mr. Breakfast man (It’s Raining Men, Aug 4) just a few months ago. 

What she’s also talking about besides my decision to not go on a date with that guy is my decision to give God my romantic life and trust that He will work it out to the best possible outcome imaginable.

Maybe it is another world I’m living in.  It does seem like such a foreign concept to give God such control in my life.  But I’m so thankful I did!  The journey is bringing me closer to God with every passing moment. 

Let’s talk a little bit about how we got here.  More than a year an a half ago I got dumped.  We’ve all been there, it’s not fun, but it happens.  And when it did, I decided again – that God was going to have to take control of this whole thing.  But this time I really meant it and I took steps to really surrender control.  I gave God every little detail of my romantic life.  God was going to have to deal with it.  I was done.  I wasn’t looking, I wasn’t going online, I wasn’t going to just date any guy who came along.  I would wait for God to bring someone into my life, if He chose to. (I guess I assumed I would just know when this happened). 

But it’s a desire of mine and I’ve consistently let God know that.  I tell God over and over, ask Him nicely and expectantly, where is my mate?  Can he come soon?  And I also told God that if He could use me best single, I would stay single.  I don’t want to, but I will.  Because I love God so much and I trust that He has the best for me.

Since I gave it to God, I haven’t been dwelling on this aspect of my life.  I have my moments, but it hasn’t been consuming – or even too heavy to handle.  It’s a desire I believe God will fulfill.  And it set me free.  Giving that over to God has given me the freedom to live my life.  It’s given me the freedom to follow Him and His path, I’m not always looking around, checking to see what I need to do to make it happen.  I’m free to be me and hang out with God.

I think God gives us big gifts when we make big decisions for Him.  My gift in this situation is a friend who made the same commitment.  We came to the decision on our own and then took the journey together.  We pray for each other a lot.  We have this connection that can only come from God.  I know when I’m having a tough day, when I think all hope is gone, when I just can’t see past my circumstances, I can ask her for prayer and God just breaks through – reminds me of His promises and revitalizes that hope that He’s taking care of things.

My life is constantly changing for the better.  God is breaking in with new hopes and desires, He’s fulfilling promises and dreams that I thought I had to let go of.  And as I grow closer to Him and His love I just want Him more.

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Missing Parts, Risky Business and A Request

Today marks five years since my little brother passed away.  I miss him everyday.   

It seems like it was just yesterday and then it seems like its a million miles away.  And then it still doesn’t feel real at all. 

I wasn’t home when Devin died.  I was living in West Virginia.  I had been away from home for years.  But even though the physical distance was there, Devin and I were still close.  I remember our phone conversations, our late night talks when I was home and how as we got older our friendship grew closer.  I miss our time reminiscing about being kids.

One of the last times I saw Devin was when I was home just a few months before he died.  I had just gone through a tough break-up and Devin was my shoulder to cry on one night.  After a family dinner Dev and I left together.  Me in tears, trying to explain to him just how much I was hurting – and Devin just listening and telling me how much of a jerk this guy must be (gold star brother moment). 

Then he took me to our Grampa’s grave site.  I asked him why – and he told me he went there a lot.  He told me he missed Grampa and he wasn’t afraid to die.  Today that provides me with some comfort.  And Devin always said that – he was fearless when it came to his physical well-being – he was a dare devil, always taking risks that could have and many times did leave him hurt.  (I hated being the first one to the hospital when he got hurt! 🙂 )  Devin loved every minute of his adventures.  He was a risk-taker.

I think of him often as I take risks in my life.  My risks are very different.  Not necessarily physical at all – but Devin painted a picture for me that risk-taking in any form was the only way to really “live” life.  So each time I jump at a new crazy adventure – he’s part of my journey.  A part that pushes me a little further out of my comfort zone. 

Thanks for that Dev!  I miss you.

Today I ask you pray for my parents.  Mom and Dad are hurting – I wish I could take that pain away – God can ease it but I’m not sure it could ever leave.

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Big Blessings!

God says He’ll turn our mourning to dancing and in my life He really really has.  I can’t put it all into words but try this visual with me. 

Do you remember in Mary Poppins, when the kids write a list of all the characteristics of the nanny they would like?  You know, cheery disposition, never cross, take us on outings, give us treats.  And then the Dad finds it, rips it up and throws it in the fire.  Then it floats into the air, reforms into a letter and Mary finds it.  She shows up and she’s everything on the list and more.  More because she really loves those kids and really wants to make their lives better.  

Well that’s sort of what my life feels like right now.  It feels like I had all these dreams and ideas for my life that I thought would make it a great life.  And then I found a deeper relationship with God (which was way better than anything on my list).  And in that journey I ripped up my list.  I gave it to God and said, hey God, these are my ideas but I’m casting them aside, I’m throwing them out and asking you to lead and guide my life.  You take care of it God; you know best, I chose to follow your lead.  And it’s been great and exciting, exhilarating in fact.  I’ve grown and healed, I’ve learned about myself and others and I’ve taken steps I couldn’t have taken on my own.  Without the journey, I wouldn’t have been ready for the blessings.

Now I am in this season of overwhelming blessings.  Like God grabbed my list, put it back together, added every unspoken prayer request and need and just started filling them, one by one.  Blessing me with an abundance I can’t even articulate.  Each day, each hour, each moment is filled with so much good from Him I’m overwhelmed with joy and thanksgiving.  The blessings come in all forms, from new job opportunities, to flowers on my porch.  A card in the mail, a meal made with friends, new relationships, the ability to pay for school because of the generosity of my friends.  I guess it doesn’t look exactly like the list I wanted before, but it’s better than anything I could imagine.  Because it’s from God.  He is my desire.  He is at the top of my list.  This stuff is just the icing. 

I miss Fenway.  She left a hole in my heart.  For sure.  But God is overflowing me with His good, and it’s great.  Everyday isn’t perfect, and some blessings come with new hurdles….but my heart is in God’s hands and nothing is better than that!

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Thank You, Fenway and You

This blogging twice a week thing isn’t working as well as I had planned but I am trying.  So much is happening in my life it’s tough to keep up with and tough to put into words.   

My dog died.  Fenway was my little buddy.  My pal.  She followed me home, she picked me, she loved me.  I loved her a lot.  She moved from West Virginia to North Carolina and back up to Massachusetts with me.  She is why I went home at night, who I got up to walk in the morning and the reason I made certain decisions in my life.  She dictated my schedule.

 

That dog saved my life.  There was a time when she was the only reason I would get out of bed.  I had to feed her, I had to walk her.  God gave her to me when He knew I would need her.  Her smile made me laugh when I could barely see through the tears.

But she was tough.  She was not a good listener.  She was feisty, seriously cute and could always tug at my heart strings.  She was precious. 

And I miss her.  I miss the moment when I get home and she would greet me.  I miss the moments after I awoke in the morning and I would snuggle with her.  I miss her smile.  I miss her presence. 

But in all of the loss, there is gain.  God is good and He is great to me.  Even in all of the loss and sadness he has filled the void with new friends, exciting opportunities and an outpour of support one can’t dream up. 

The community that I call mine is second to none.  And it reaches across every border and boundary imaginable so far that when I’m in need, my different worlds come together.  I wish I could describe my thankfulness.  But God didn’t create words to match the feeling in my chest.  And I think it was for a reason.  If we could describe it all too easily we would use it all too much.  This feeling is meant for special occasions. 

So thank you to you.  To those who posted on Facebook, those who called and texted.  And to those who showed up.  You are a gift.  And it is a testament to how God has blessed me with more than I can even understand. 

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