This idea filters through my mind as I contemplate where God is leading me in these next steps in life. I’m asking, seeking, knocking and most importantly, listening. As I listen and respond I want to eagerly move forward in one direction or another. But I am stopped.
I am at a point where something has to change. It’s “do” or “die” job time, among other things. And so I contemplate these next steps. Looking and waiting for God to lead, sorting through desires and responsibilities.
I feel free in some ways. I don’t have a family of my own yet and I’m not tied to any one spot by anything binding (like a mortgage or a contract). I like that at this point in my life. But it’s not about me. It’s about God and how He can best use me.
Life isn’t always weighed down with this pulling tension of which way to go. But living with God, is living in tension. Sometimes it feels like we’re searching for balance. But can we ever be truly balanced, living in this world and living with God? Okay, I could go off on a whole new subject here, so for now, I’m faced with change, a big decision and this tends to lead me to a place of unrest. Day to day walking with God has been amazing, each day getting better and better….despite what’s happening in my life, God is with me and I’m loving the life I’ve been given. The tension in this big decision has me thinking and wondering which way to go. If I even have a decision to make….mostly I think I’m just waiting for God to make the decision.
But the desire for something more rages inside of me. When I look around me, I see that change could be an improvement. Some days I feel like I have this soccer mom lifestyle but no kids to cart-around. I feel like I there is more I could give on a daily basis. Sure, I’m very busy and I’m learning and growing but I want to step out again. Step out into the wide open and soar. Ok – starting to get a little cheesy but I’m annoyed with parts of my life. And since it’s time for a change (that whole job thing) I look for big jumps, leaps of faith and daring adventures. Is that too big to look at now? Do I need to dial back and find that filling the immediate needs, like a job, will settle the rage?
Don’t get me wrong, many aspects of my life are amazing right now. I love my job at church, love my community and love that I get to spend time with my nephew as he grows up. I love the way I’ve been growing and learning to live this life with God. This has all been necessary but I feel a stirring for change. Is this change that job that fits right in with what I’m doing, that relationship with the man of my dreams that I know is around the corner or something new that I can’t yet put my finger on just yet?
A new road will present itself. I will wait and listen for God to lead me down the best road for me. My question now — will it meet up with the road I’m on, or take a sharp turn?