As I lean into the back of the park bench ….my eyes wander and gaze upon a man…a man I know, but not too well. A man I’d like to know more, but maybe it’s not time.
The warm summer breeze sweeps my hair across my face. I gently remove it from my eyes and take a sip of my smooth red wine.
The band starts to play….children wander….couples cozy up on their blankets scattered about like an unfinished quilt.
But who is this man? What does he like? What is he thinking about at he sips his drink….my intrigue gets the best of me…but not enough to walk over and say “Hi”. It would take more than that…he knows my name, my number, but nothing. Why not? Am I not cute enough, small enough, young enough? What is it? Is it You, God? Do you have better for me? I ponder. I wonder. I stay still waiting for Your move. Not his, not mine, Yours. Is this where You’ll make your move? But would he move if You told him? Would he hear? Would he listen? Would he understand? Am I not his type?
More people come out, crowd the park…I can’t see him anymore. Friends join one-another, laughter fills the air. Children scurry through the crowd, back to the safety of their blankets to settle in with mom and dad. My focus shifts, my mind wanders, back to you Jesus…back to the band…they play my favorite song.
He stands up, looks around, meets my eyes, I quickly look back to my drink. Why does this crush get to me? What is it? Is it for real? Is it the thrill of the chase? The not knowing where his mind wanders? To me? To someone else? Someone special? Does he know what I think? In that brief moment he looks into my eyes does he see my thoughts? Does he know what is running through my mind? Does he know? The important question, does he care? Or would I, if the feelings were reciprocated?
I need to feel to write….am I just trying to feel? Overflowing with emotion I try to remain calm…but it gives me confidence. Confidence, despite his earlier decision to walk by me, sitting on my bench alone. My friends are nearby; I am not alone, just without company for that moment.
The band plays louder as dusk turns to twilight. He moves closer…back in eye shot. I look up. I see him. The moon light gives off just enough glow to make eye-contact once again. Where do I look? What do I do when my gaze meets his? My friend and I had a 3-second rule. If we met a guy’s eye and we thought they were decent we would not turn our gaze for 3-seconds. But where am I in this world?
Blocked again. Hmph. More people. Maybe that’s good. I am God’s. God is finding me my husband. So does it start with a gaze? I am not worried. Not looking for something to do. Just living in the emotion of the moment. It hurts, it soars….it fills me with excitement, that I know will only be let down. God does not let me down. Even when I think He does, He doesn’t. He has my best!
The beat goes on…..la la la la…
God is saying it’s not time. Maybe he’s not the one.
It doesn’t matter…it’s for You to decide.